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Reciprocity (or the Confessions of an Artist)

June 27, 2011 Leave a comment

He beat the source of so much hurt, humiliation and pain.

He beat it until he could no longer swing his arms.

The thing slumped on the ground, not moving and it did not make a sound.

The man smirked while thinking to himself “who is the victim now?”

The thought created the immediate need to place a swift hard kick to the thing’s back. He could feel the back give way to his foot. He smirked again “you were always a cancer to the world and now – finally – the chemo has arrived.” He knelt down to try and look into its eyes but was unable to do so. The swelling and coagulated blood hid the thing’s eyes.

He stood up, looking around to see if anyone was watching.  He pulled the gloves off his hands. They worked just like the retailer said, “Whatever you hit will be decimated by the additional power in these beauties.” The gloves had small rectangular forms of lead in the middle section of each finger so that the glove was the equivalent of lead knuckles. The lead and his own hatred and hurt would power his fists through the thing’s flesh, muscles and bones.  Once the gloves were off he placed them in the bag he had folded into his back pocket.  He unbuttoned a couple buttons from his shirt near his stomach and slid the bag inside then re-buttoned and adjusted his shirt. He had the urge to crush his heel into the thing’s remnant of a nose but he showed discipline and vengeance. He figured the thing would live. Thing would be a mess, require surgery and a lot of pain medication. Vengeance given in this case required life not death. He wanted thing to suffer and he knew it would.

He turned his back on the slump of flesh and blood and headed for a cup of coffee. He needed the jolt of energy because he was exhausted. Beating that waste of carbon had tired him. He thought about going to the local Starbucks but decided instead to fix the coffee at home. He could wash himself up and relax. He slid the mask off his face and threw it on the passenger seat and stepped into the car. He looked over himself quickly with the cabin light on and was glad to see not one drop of blood on his hands or clothes. He patted his stomach to make sure the gloves were still present and then started the car, slowly accelerated and began his trip home.  

The plan as it was executed today was finalized a year ago. The first wisp of thoughts about today entered his subconscious about twenty-five years ago. Slowly each year and with greater frequency and duration, the wisp developed into a thought and then thoughts and finally to the plan. There was beauty in the plan since it was a reaction, a correction, of past abuse; long past. The bullying and misery took place around thirty years ago and it was daily and brutal. The waste of carbon had made his life hell for no good reason. The thing had targeted him simply for being alive and in the general vicinity. The devastation it ushered into his life apparently had lifelong impact. But now, the thing would have the scars physically and psychologically for the rest of its life. It was owed it and the debt had now been paid in full. Thing was not intelligent, it was a brute. Thing was a base life form that polluted and harmed unfortunate human beings in its path. This evening though the thing had been remodeled, re-shapened by the hands and volition of the bullied. Thing’s teeth would no longer be its own. Thing’s eyes would have drooping to them and be slightly misshapen. The nose would need to be reconstructed. Thing’s face shape would be changed because of the damage and correction of its jaws. Thing will now always walk with a limp and its hands will not be able to be clinched into tight fists ever again. Using its hands will cause pain and just the simple movement of the fingers will require a grimace.

The beauty of the transformation of the bully is that it is without any chance of the bully knowing or understanding who the artist was. Hurt has a long memory unlike the aggressors’. The base has little if no intellect and its mind had the mental faculties of a goldfish (I mean no slander to the goldfish). Things do not contribute to society in a beneficial way. Things are usually predators and rarely does it have the experience of reciprocity. As he stepped into his home he turned on the lights and headed for the kitchen. He set up a cup of coffee with his Keurig and then took the bag out from under his shirt. He turned on the hot water and ran the water over the bag. He then took out the gloves and rinsed the infection’s blood off of them. Examining the gloves he saw no damage to them and then he smirked at the thought that came across his mind about the same can’t be said of its condition. Examining his hands he noticed the redness and swelling from the repeated impacts. He smiled. Running cold water over them he then splashed cold water on his face. He felt so alive. He felt lighter. Empowered. He looked at the clock on the wall and did the math; the ride home had taken an hour. Thirty-five miles away he was sure that the human waste was now getting the attention of hospital personnel. He pulled out the mop bucket and dropped the empty plastic bag inside and then covered it with bleach and let it soak overnight. He dipped the gloves into the bleach and the rubbed them against one another making sure to treat the entire glove. He dunked them again and let them sit for about thirty seconds and then pulled them out, ringed them and left them in the sink.  He picked up his coffee mug and went into the living room and placed the mug on the coaster. Sitting down into his chair he picked up the remote and turned on the television.  A hundred and forty channels and he had to settle for a rerun of Burn Notice. He appreciated Michael’s can-do attitude. Sipping the coffee with his legs propped up on the ottoman he heard his wife come down the steps behind him. She patted the top of his head and went into the kitchen. He heard the water run and the refrigerator open and close. She came in with a handful of grapes and lay on the couch. “How did it go?”

“Perfectly.”

She popped another grape into her mouth and he watched her as she was watching the television. He had originally thought about lying to her and not letting her in on his plan but decided against it. He didn’t think he could get away with it with her. Something would not connect or an unexpected event would happen and it would all spiral into trouble. He decided to be candid and was certain that she would understand and not hinder him from what he needed to do. In the end he was able to go with not only her support but her blessing. She had originally expressed interest in watching her husband make the wrongs right but he was able to persuade her that it was best for him to only be focused on transforming the pile of crap into something less harmful to society. She understood and agreed. As he watched her while he drank his coffee she happened to glance over at him and saw his gaze. She smirked and popped a grape into her mouth and threw one over to him.

The next morning after showering and dressing he walked into the kitchen and saw that the mop bucket was put away and the baggy was gone. He looked out the front window and saw that the trash collectors had picked up the garbage this morning, just like every other Wednesday morning. The gloves were lying on the kitchen counter wrapped in a large paper towel and next to the coffee pot was his morning note from his wife. He poured a small amount of coffee in his stainless steel Starbucks travel mug and grabbed the gloves. He drove to the Starbucks that was out of his way to work and walked inside placing an order for a refill of his Starbucks cup and paid with cash instead of his Starbucks’ card. The store was busy and had a low symphony made up of voices, music and the espresso machine. He walked over to the condiment counter and grabbed a Splenda and a couple napkins and then walked out and took a small table next to the garbage can. He opened his work bag, unfolded the napkins and the using them grabbed one of the discolored gloves and placed it on his lap. He opened the Splenda and dumped the contents into his coffee then in one graceful move disposed of the empty packet and glove & napkins into the garbage can. He sipped his coffee swishing the coffee around his mouth. It was a pleasant morning and he had thirty minutes to get to work and it was about fifteen minutes away. His mind drifted to his previous night’s work and how he now knew he had the answer for a problem in American society but needed a safe avenue to share his insight with others so that the problems could be remedied and hopefully deter their future existence. Reciprocity was needed and it had to be with an overwhelming amount of force that was disciplined so that the artist would experience no further harm.  With the technology age the violence and abuse of the bullies in the world seem to grow exponentially which meant more lives forever harmed and changed. This tide needed to be met with a preponderance of violence expertly executed on these waste of carbon so that they would be changed entities no longer willing to be harmful while ever humbled for the past transgressions. As he drank his coffee watching people come in and out of the coffee shop he knew that his purpose would not be complete until he could get the word out and empower others to courage and responsibility so that they could gain some of themselves back that was lost days, months or years ago. He got up and entered his car and did a turnaround in the parking lot so that he could easily swing in to the McDonald’s drive thru. After paying for & receiving his food he pulled slowly to the convenient drive thru garbage can. He pulled his sausage McMuffin out of the bag and then used the bag as a glove to pick up the glove out of his work bag and then pulled the bag around the glove back into the bag, crumpled it up and threw it away in the garbage can and then drove to work.

The present – ch25

December 4, 2010 Leave a comment

Inspiration can come from the darndest things. Answers to questions unspoken can also appear as secret Santa gifts at your desk in the middle of July. Such was the case for me.

I was getting coffee at my favorite coffee shop and decided to sit in one of the comfy chairs that the bottom was actually sitting on the floor. Really – what are people doing on these chairs!? Do the employees jump up and down on them when the store is closed? But there I was sitting with in the comfy chair with my knees parallel to my elbows when I decided to close my eyes for a moment. (See, I really needed the coffee.)  I like to eavesdrop hopefully discreetly on the conversations around me. Not that I am nosy per say but more that I love to listen to real conversation. I have had my heart filled with emotions listening to such table talk and it is much more real than being tweeted. (C’mon you know the celebrities have people tweet for them. And besides those aren’t conversations.)

So I took a safe sip of my hot coffee, set it down and looked around a moment to see the faces and body langauge of the people in the shop and then I closed my eyes to try to focus on the them. It is much like using a dial radio and trying to zero in on the channel you are wanting to listen to. I heard the table of three that were closest to me which were talking about their plans for the weekend. The table beside them where two guys were talking about a web page design and then to my left on a table about center to the traffic path was a couple of women who had their notebooks on the table and their laptops on. I heard the words “please understand” and tried to focus. I have learned the best way for me to focus is to open my eyes and look at the people I am trying to focus on and then begin concentrating on them directly slowly closing my eyes. I have, let it be known, got up from a seat to sit closer to a conversation that I found very interesting. Right now though the words “please understand” for some reason struck a chord with me.

“I know that you want to succeed and that right now there is a lot of pressure to perform but you need to consider where you are at. You are new to the team and the team knows that. What you need to acknowledge is that this is not the employer where the unprofessional and arguably the unethical behavior took place – that was in the past.”

“I know, I know but I am somewhat apprehensive and concerned. I wonder if I am making the right choice working on this project. I am not sure I can meet the team’s expectations…”

“You had no problems until a week ago so what happened?”

“Jay called me, my old boss, and offered me a new position…”

“So that is what this is about? Money?”

“No, no I am looking ahead and I am not sure…”

“Quit looking ahead, for that matter quit rehearsing the past as well. You need to live in the present…”

Connection broke – it was like someone took those seven words and planted them in my heart and mind. “You need to live in the present” – why were those words so jarring to my mind? I ran through the conversation again in my head and nothing else stuck out. I began drinking my coffee and looking around at the people and mulling over the feeling those words gave me. The best I could describe it is as is the so-called Eureka moment.

I began to think of Tess and my mind told me softly “you are on the right track”. (Aren’t people who hear voices in their heads and listen to them given lots of medication to shut up those voices? But I digress…) I have been concerned why Tess – such a wonderful women would allow me to be in the center of her life. I have been concerned with my screwing up the whole thing as well as my fear of repeating past mistakes. Then the bell rang – past and future, I was dwelling on things past and unknowable future events instead of enjoying the present. I looked over at the two ladies talking and I wanted to say thanks to them. I was all excited now and knew I needed to see Tess and give her the biggest hug I could muster. I picked up my coffee and got out of the coffee shop and headed over to the store she worked at. My heart swelled and I could feel a lump developing in my throat – I was so fortunate to be enjoying life with Tess and I was never going to forget that again.

Categories: Fiction Tags: ,

Questions – ch24

July 4, 2010 Leave a comment

The months went by and we grew closer. Dinner at each of our parents’ places provided anxiety, stress, laughter, embarrassment, sharing, relief, affection, and well-being. It was a cycle we each had to go through and we did. Of course each of our dads had to be “hams” as well as – surprisingly – warm. I think I can say for the both of us that the embarrassments were small and enjoyable. I learned of Tess’ long relationship with her stuffed animals, the building blocks of her independence and why she paints each toenail a separate color/pattern. (Isn’t she adorable?!) She learned of my nerd/geeky history in school, my obsession with X-Files, and why I all my clothes are white, black or gray.

Tess and I continued to meet up for coffee when she got off from work and never ran out of things to talk about. She, for some reason I can’t fathom, continued to love me and allowed me to love her. I have to admit things were really good and many a night I would go to bed with the nagging question “why?”  See I am the type of person who believes that experiences in life are not random and that they do not happen without a purpose or reason. Looking at Tess as a wonderful woman who was intelligent, articulate, and beautiful I can’t reason why she would want to love me. It is not like she had been beaten unconscious subconsciously by cupid or some faerie to fall for me. Right? Surely she was not acting of her own will – while being fully aware and sound. Hence my stumbling, bumbling question that was nagging me now daily – “why?”

Being an acquaintance to many but a friend to no one (not by choice by the way) I had no one to talk this through with. Well let me rephrase that, no one that was not family to talk this through with. A few people at work (which was still miserable) I have comradery with but could I actually wisely choose one of them to talk to and expect to receive wise advice?

Okay, OKAY – ch23

June 22, 2010 Leave a comment

Tess jumped up and went to her dad mumbling something under her breath. I stood up and looked at my father who had the proud look in his eyes because he knew “he got me”. I walked over to my mom and said “what the heck are you guys doing?”

“It was your father’s idea” she said smiling looking at Tess. “And you must be Tess,” my mom said walking over to give her a hug. Meanwhile Tess’ father circled round behind my father and stuck out his hand to me. “Good to see you again. “I told your father when he came into the store that we better do something or we’d never meet “officially”’, doing the quotes sign in the air. This is my wife, Tess’ mother Vanessa.

“Hello” I said as I grasped her hand. It was very apparent seeing both of her parents that Tess got her looks from her mother but her eyes and stature from her father. Her mother was beautiful, in the classic sense. If she was wearing make-up I could not tell. She had a beautifully proportional oval head with a sleek nose and perfect lips. Lips were one of the first things I noticed about Tess; in fact I would go into a daze watching her mouth as she would speak.  

I turned around to look and Tess was standing with my parents, my mother was holding her hand. I caught my dad wink at me and shook my head. Tess began introducing Harry, Loretta, and Roscoe to our parents. She then stepped back as the greeted one another and came over to me and grabbed my hand. “My father” she started to say and I interrupted, “Our fathers”.

“So son am I gonna get some treats or do I have to”.

“Yes dad” I interrupted and quickly went to the candy bag. I rooted around in there looking for one of my dad’s favorites – dark chocolate Milky Way bars. I gave him a few and he said “first they need to be frozen” as he looked over at Tess’ father.

Our mothers came over and shared “we have made dinner plans for next week and the week after” my mom said nodding at Tess’ mother. “Yes next week the six of us will have dinner at our home,” Tess mom said, “and the following week at our home” my mom finished her sentence. Tess and I looked at each other and at that moment I wanted to stop time and everything in it but Tess and I and allow us to step away and discuss what each of us was thinking. I had a pretty good idea what she was thinking but once the moment passed so would have the true words of emotions. I suspect words like “nice, afraid, fear, eventually had to happen, could be worse, and the unspoken word “sigh””. After the fact, when everyone was gone and we talked it was she was okay, jittery, but okay. BUT I saw her eyes when our moms announced the dinner plans are those big wide eyeballs were proclaiming a lot of things but “okay” wasn’t one of them. Well second thought, it could have been “okay” like when someone is saying something they shouldn’t and you try to shut them down and change the subject. That startled “OKAY” so maybe she just needed to communicate to me what kind of okay it really was. But I digress….

I believe our fathers would have stayed the rest of the evening with us just so they could torture us but the moms said it was time to go and get some dessert which surely had to be some type of bribe to get them all to leave. Tess and I said goodbye to our parents and as they walked away Harry grabbed the back of my pant leg and gave it a yank. “Boy they got yas!” Tess and I turned around to see Loretta and Harry armed with big dirty grins and we laughed – nervously – but still we laughed.

Trick or treat – ch22

April 1, 2010 Leave a comment

Sitting in front of the apartment building passing out candy with Harry (who is bald), Loretta (not affiliated with Harry, yet), and Harry’s dog Roscoe.

Harry is a widower of ten years and Roscoe has been with him for the past twelve years. Harry is young to be widower, he is 50 and works for the city on the road/property crew. He is the team leader and the job suits him well.

Loretta is a widow of almost twenty years, she is – I am guessing – around 60 because we all know the rule. She works as a book-keeper for several clients. She is her own boss and that suits her well too.

Tess and I have begun to think of trying to hook up Loretta and Harry but we are still cowards in the match making business. Understandable but we are sure these two souls were meant to be together and we have each caught them at different times looking at the other with “that look” which quickly gets shook off.

“Roscoe here was the cutest puppy you’d have ever seen,” Harry said as he was patting Roscoe’s head. “People think he is too big to live with me here but he is rarely here. I take him to work with me, the store, walks, the park, heck even to restaurants during the Spring thru Fall seasons when I can eat outside.”

“He is a handsome dog Harry,” Loretta said, “aren’t you Roscoe?” Which was all it took for Roscoe to move over and cosy up to her. She patted his head and rubbed his ears, “Dashing Roscoe”.

“Trick or treat” said a masked musketeer.

“Trick or treat” quietly almost whispered by the little blonde princess.

“Trick or treat” bellowed aloud for the neighborhood by the little kid in the full mask of Frankenstein.

We all acted startled and chuckled. Roscoe barked once his approval. It was a busy street of characters looking for their share of the candy loot. We saw old favorites like Frankenstein, Mummy, and vampires but more of the characters of today who I recognized but did not know their names. It was an enjoyable evening and it had just begun, a little over an hour had passed and the sky was just now getting dark enough to actually feel like it was Halloween night. Something about Halloween occurring in the daylight just isn’t “right”.

“We always have a good turn out on this street,” Loretta explained. “The majority of the buildings on this block our 4 unit apartment buildings that have been here for over 75 years. They are taken care of by the landlords and the tenants, we all take pride of our places and our place here on the block.” Tess and Harry nodded.

“I fell in love with this block as soon as I arrived to view the vacant apartment. I was sold before I came inside,” Tess shared. Harry and Loretta smiled like proud parents.

“Trick or treat” said Buzz Lightyear.

“I’ll be…” Harry began to say when my eyes moved over to see what he was looking at. Tess grabbed a hold of forearm as she saw the scary sight. It – for whatever reason – felt like we got caught. I don’t know why, we were not doing anything wrong. But “gotcha” was word for the moment; the other was “ugottabekiddingme” (I had to make it one word, sorry Webster).

Up the sidewalk with plastic pumpkin containers for candy strode our parents. Dad with his glow in the dark vampire teeth in muttered, “Trick or treat” while mom just beamed a big  smile.

Fact & Candy Fairies – ch21

April 1, 2010 Leave a comment

Evening finally arrived which meant now to the time of the good stuff. Leave work. Leave cubicle-land. Leave the mind numbing job. Leave the condescending boss who is unprofessional and disrespectful. Leave the place of masks and fakes. Leave all the bad, the necessary part of life – for now. Onto the purpose of life. Onto the times with Tess. Onto holding her delicate hand and looking into the green eyes of love. Onto being who I really am, I have discovered – not the job guy. See I realized that was the problem, my personal life and work life shared the same guy. That guy at work who is shackled to a desk and computer. Shackled by bureaucracy and lack of common sense and honesty. Yes, honesty. The place breeds name sake only culture and beliefs. Words only. It is so heavy, suffocating my spirit deliberately, steadily, and quietly. But – Tess – a breath of fresh real air. My spirit realized before it was too late that I am not the job guy. In fact personal life guy is beginning to lead a revolution inside job guy. But I digress….

I arrived at Tess’ apartment building on time armed with costume in my pocket and on top of my head. I was wearing my tall top hat which showed much wear and in my pocket my Groucho eyeglass/nose piece and the glow in the dark vampire teeth. Wearing my black suit and tie with my red and white pinstripe shirt – I was an icon of my humor. Dark and silly. I slid the glasses on and teeth in and knocked on Tess’ door. She opened and almost lost my teeth. Tess was dressed as Snow White and she was breath-taking. She giggled when she saw me and I stood in the door way like Lurch unable to move. Personal guy was counting his blessings and she was the source of the majority of them.

“Come in silly,” she said as she pulled my hand trying to move me. “Will you grab the purple and red bowls over on the table?” I could not get my eyes off of her, heck – I could not get my mind off of her. Not because of some sicko Snow White thing but because it hit me so hard this one thought, no – one fact. It had been a terrific three months but now I knew. I want to marry her. I want to be with her for the rest of our lives. She is the one. The one I never thought I – me – would ever have. She was wife and the fact made me so thankful. Thankful to God for the paths of destiny crossing. Thankful to her parents, for having raised such a precious lady. Thankful.

“Um, yeah sure, I got those, anything else?”

“I already have the chairs pulled behind the stairwell so I will take the refill bags.”

I picked up the bowls and it was like the candy fairies sent me a sign of approval – a bowl of Smarties. My favorite. She could not have known that, I don’t think I ever mentioned it or ate them when we were out. Smarties. I chuckled to myself, nodded to the candy fairies – ok I get it and walked out the door to the front steps.

Bullseye – ch20

March 23, 2010 Leave a comment

The days went by and they were much happier ones than all my days in the past. We met for coffee, dinner, lunch, movies, shopping, and any other reason I could come up with just to be with her. Before I knew it the summer had passed and Halloween was next. In our conversations we each shared the pressure coming from our parents to meet the other and for the families to meet. Some parents are subtle (not mine) and some are more direct (not hers). We tried to discuss the “event” but it always became a time of nervous laughing and exaggerations of the impact on everyone’s lives.

I am not sure why what happened on Halloween happened but I do know that Tess and I stood in the grips of a horrible monster and we were being held over a cliff to which we could not see the bottom. Honestly as I sit here trying to share with you the story I can feel the same emotions of that moment.  We would learn later just how desperate and resolved our parents were.

A couple days before Halloween I received a call from my mother, you KNOW how THOSE calls are.

“Hello honey how are you doing?”

“Um, fine mom I saw you and dad yesterday; nothing’s changed.”

“I know, I was just wondering if you will be over to pass candy out to the kids this year on Halloween.” Before I could answer, “You know how much that means to your father, it is you fellas ritual. He has dug up his glow in the dark vampire teeth and black top hat.” Whack – daggers one & two reach their mark.

“Actually mom I was going over to Tess’ this year and we were going to hand out candy at her apartment.”

“Oh, your father will be so disappointed…”

“Mom will you tell him, it will be much easier coming from you. You know how I feel about Tess…”

“Why don’t you two come over and hand out candy over here? Oh, that would be wonderful and your father won’t be disappointed and we can finally meet Tess.”

“Mom you know who Tess is, you go to the grocery store…”

“That is not the same, we can never talk. Why don’t you want us to officially meet her? Are you ashamed…” (No my mom is not a Catholic or Jewish mom. I understand that they are masters of the craft of using guilt to accomplish their wishes.)

“Mom stop you know I am not ashamed of you and dad. Gads – we are just taking things really slow, that’s all.”

“Slow? You guys are together just about every day. It would mean so much to your dad and me, please ask Tess.”

I was completely exasperated and I know that you definitely KNOW the feeling. When did the shoes get put on the other feet? I remember using the tears and eyes and limited vocabulary as a kid to guilt my parents into getting me baseball cards, candy, baseball hat, going to movies without their attendance, money to go to the store with a couple fellow outsiders at school. When exactly did the parents become the bearers of the guilt tool? Come to think of it when did they become the children? Knowing what I know and how this story ended when did it occur that we “protect” our parents from the truth? Watch out for them, making sure they are well, taking them to the doctor, exactly when did the roles get reversed? But I digress…

“Mom I am not going to ask Tess because she has really been looking forward to us doing this together at her place. I don’t want to make things awkward for her.”

Fine son” (the three-letter word that advertises dagger #3 is on its way) “I will tell your father. Don’t worry about us we will handle Halloween alone.” Bullseye.

The pregnant pause but I did not waver. “Thanks mom but I need to go now. Love u and tell dad I love him too.”

“We love you too, son.” Click – no that was not just the phone hanging up, it was also the sound of fourth dagger nailing its mark.

Priceless – ch19

February 24, 2010 Leave a comment

The rest of our evening went well, actually it went terrific. We laughed with each other about stories, coincidences, and the grandpa who came in to order – and I quote, “a cup of coffee”. He got the typical blitz of questions and terms and when the girl was finished he looked at her and said, “Yeah, I want a cup of coffee.” Of course we were not laughing at him, we were laughing at the girl behind the counter who refused to understand and translate what he wanted into her language. She expected him, in his 70s at least to change his expectations and language at that moment. The guy at the cappuccino machine told her to “ring up a short coffee of the day” and he got the coffee and handed it to the gentleman who thanked him, paid him, and sat down next to us picking at the newspaper someone left on the table. He could be anyone’s grandpa or father and we each knew that and I think that is when we each recognized we (her and I) had a connection.

When I had chances I took them – just to look at her. To see – - her.  As we talked and then later I get another chance, unobserved to see her, I began to see the real her. The beauty of her soul or spirit; I always get those two mixed up. I tried very hard to keep my feet out of my mouth or have coffee or anything else from dribbling out of my mouth. (Am I the only guy who worries about such things? Really – I have this whole list of things in my head that I keep check of: hands not too busy, not overly talking with my hands, nose clean, not spraying when talking, zipper zipped, hair without a cow-lick or worse, fingernails clean, where is my book bag, hands clean, focus on her eyes, notice her shoes and clothing, make sure no one is eavesdropping, don’t speak loudly, don’t mumble, don’t use non-words, and so on; but I digress…)

When it was time to call it an evening we got up and headed out. I offered to drive her home and she passed saying she would enjoy the quick walk. I looked at her not sure what to say and when I was about to say goodbye she said, “If you want you could walk me home.” I know for a brief couple seconds I had the deer in the headlight look on my face. I know it as sure as I know my name. “Sure” was all I could eek out of my mouth. I put my book bag in the trunk and made sure it was locked up tight and we proceeded to walk her home. The walk was pretty quick and we really didn’t speak much we just enjoyed the walk together. When we got to her place I stumbled and mumbled trying to say the perfect thing because this is one of “those” moments which is a test. “I had a great time tonight,” I said and shifted my weight to another foot.

“Me too” she said (she passed her test in my eyes).

 “Would you like to get together another time soon for maybe dinner or coffee?”

“Yes to both questions. I work tomorrow till 6 so you could meet me here at 6:30.“  

“Absolutely” I said and felt the need to flee before I made a mistake and ruined the evening.

“Okay, see you tomorrow” and she turned to walk away but then turned again toward me and gave me a peck on the cheek (The flee command was now aborted). I watched her walk up the steps and onto the porch and then we waved after she opened the door.

Is music ever just music? – ch18

February 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Settling down in our seats I got the wise idea to keep sipping my coffee thereby she would feel the need to start the conversation. Conniving?  Not at all, actually I surprised I had such a thought in complete clearness and on-time. You know what I mean, AFTER you said something stupid you realize you just said something stupid. Example, “ah, when are you expecting? Is it your first?” These are two questions that a man should NEVER allow to leave his lips. Guilty? My hand is up – been there, done that. I was not trying to be a crushing instrument to one’s self-esteem. (I will never forget the look on her face.)  See, now you know why me getting the “sipping idea” was such a break-through.

Ended up I did not need the sipping idea because we weren’t in our chairs thirty seconds when she looked over at me and said, “I love this song? You?”

I had not noticed it but I did not share that. I took another sip and this time tried to get my ears and mind to focus on the noise, I mean “music”. It sounded like something current. How do I know it was something current? Because I had never heard it before; current music fads were not something of interest to me. What came out of my mouth was, “Honestly, I have not heard it before. Is it new?” That question unleashed five minutes of information about what kind of music made Tess tick. She had to have named close to twenty bands and only one had I heard anything of – the Beatles. “What about you?” she said now putting me in the driver seat or better yet – you know the booth where the person sits waiting for someone to throw the ball and hit the target thereby dropping the chair sitter into the water? Chair sitter – me/ball – my answer.

“I like” (just be honest) “what some people consider classic rock as well as some of the 80s rock.” (Sip your coffee)

“Ok, so you like the Beatles then?” I nodded. “Would you name some of your favorite groups?”

“Um…”

“See, I really enjoy music and I think music can tell you a lot about a person.”

“Um” (Apparently coffee is just coffee; it is music that is not just music. What happened next I can only explain by saying I must really like Tess.) “Um, now I am intimidated,” I said with a bit of a chuckle. She laughed to which I guess that means I should be intimidated because she is analyzing my choices. “How about I show you my Zen and you can see the groups, because under all this pressure I am sure I will forget some groups that may impress you?” I took my Zen out of my pocket and handed it to her. (Gee that almost sounded like something TMI.)

She snatched it playfully (again with the innuendos) and scanned through the groups periodically saying things like “Oooh I love them”, “I have not heard anything by them” or “I have never heard of them”. I decided to play the analyzing game too by following up her audible clues with “what song, group are you referring to?”

Tess had never heard of groups like Thin Lizzy, Roger Waters, Triumph, or Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. CHA! She did exclaim “Freebird!” which made me laugh. I was surprised though because she seemed to have heard of a lot of my favorite groups’ names but just did not know the music. She passed the Zen back to me and said, “Ok my turn” (yet again with innuendos!).

This was horrifying because I was completely clueless. Most of the groups names sounded more like the title of a poem or short story. If it was not for the couple songs by the Beatles on her iPod I would not have known anything she was listening to. The whole time scanning I was “umming” and when I handed it back to her I said “Beatles!” She laughed. What was now going through my head was is there a huge age difference between us? I did not see how that was possible but I could not get my head around the huge disconnect on my part about the music end on my part (or her part – depending how you would look at it).

(You can calm yourself I know the adage that you never ask a woman how old she is.)

“So when did you graduate from high school?” is what I said. I know, I know.

She said, “2001, how about you?”

“1999 but it seems like so much longer. Did you graduate from around here?”

“Yes, Princeton – you?”

“Me too!” Finally I got a question right.

Is coffee ever just coffee? – ch17

February 17, 2010 Leave a comment

 Let me get to the date. I will skip past the fretting, worry, stress, anxiety, and giddiness. What does that say about me – four negatives to one positive? Truth I guess.

I went to café and did not order anything. I found two squishy chairs where we could sit comfortably and plopped. What does that say about cafés – eighteen hard chairs to four squishy comfortable ones? They want customer turnover.

I sat and tried not to look anxious which always presents a problem. Fidgety and anxious, good companions like peanut butter and jelly and the vanilla filling with the chocolate cookies of an Oreo. What does that say about me – food descriptors? Or better yet, not thinking of the right word I wanted to use right there?

I did not have to wait long (thank God) after five minutes of fidgetiness she arrived. (Can you hear the angelic choir and feel the beam of light upon your face?) Instead of showing my keen awareness to her fashion sense and presence I will summarize it with one word; she looked – adorable. She saw me (waving like an Arnold Horseshack) and smiled and politely waved back. I put my jacket in my seat and my backpack in hers – should I do that the other way around?

“Hi”

“Hi Tess”

“Did you order yet?

“No, I was waiting to place my order when you did. Um,” (brain don’t fail me now) “what are you going to have?” as we walked to the register.

“My favorite, Chai Tea Latte w/skim milk; you?”

“Well,..”

“What can I get for you today?” said a caffeine hyped employee whose face was studded, pierced, tattooed, and dyed.  I made the gentlemanly gesture of lady’s first and Tess told her what she wanted and then they both looked at me. Now this should have been the easiest question for me to answer this evening but my mind began analyzing my selection for faux pas.

Tall dark roast means – what? I like things strong? I think I will impress her with my strong coffee choice? She likes tea maybe I should order something tea? My eyes darting back and forth over the panels looking for tea – heck – even where her drink was listed. No, that will be like I am trying to imitate her so I should order the dark roast, but that is simple and she will think I am simple…

“Hey!” said another employee who is usually here when I order. “You in for your usual?” Sigh, “Yes” I said with relief, God had thrown me a life-line. The employee at the register looked at what he picked up and where he went and then rang in the tall dark roast. “That will be $4.50” I fumbled around inside my wallet trying to get my debit card.

“Here it is” I said as I handed it to the cashier; Tess had walked down to the end waiting for her drink. With the financial part of the transaction over I looked again at Tess and this time when I saw her my heart skipped a beat. She was standing watching the guy fix her drink and they were chatting, she of course had a smile on her face and once again Heaven’s light highlighted her presence for all to notice (or maybe just me). I was past anxious and past nervous, I was now in the panic zone. Just when I thought to myself what am I gonna do – she looked over at me and smiled and waved me over to her. I melted but at least I poured down the floor in her direction.

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